Fantasy Unsports » Commissioner

The Titans Are Pissed! – 90 Points

Commissioner — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 13:47:11 +0000

Don’t you dare steal a largely-unproven running backs coach from the Titans! But if you do, you better at least make a courtesy call first.

Jeff Fisher ripped into Lane Kiffin over the weekend after the new USC coach managed to poach the Titans’ RB coach, Kennedy Pola. It seems there’s a great deal of money for Pola and a walk-on roster spot for his son in the deal. Problem is, his contract with the Titans states that he needs written permission before he can even entertain another job. So Fisher is pissed. And he must be really pissed, because now he’s suing his former college for maliciously interfering in a contract situation. Yikes.

Anyone remember an NFL team ever suing a college team before? Has this ever happened? I don’t think it has.

I doubt it’ll go anywhere, but maybe it will. Seems strange that the Titans would sue if they didn’t think they could win. But since all this looks like an overblown way to take a stand on principle or prove a point, maybe they won’t win. Maybe it’s just the symbolism of it all.

Either way, I figure an NFL team suing a college one is probably worth some points… 90 to be exact.

Oh, and Lane Kiffin is a weasel and a snake, with virtually no more head coaching success than I have.

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Dez Bryant Is The Most Entitled Rookie Ever – 25 Points

Commissioner — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 20:24:15 +0000

Most rookies in the NFL have to endure some level of good-natured ribbing and hazing. It usually involves getting stuck with the bill at a restaurant or having to stand up and serenade the entire team in the locker room. It’s usually embarrassing or menial. Normal people react to it with humor, realizing it’s just for bonding. But not Dez Bryant.

Dez Bryant is a precious snowflake, and considers himself above such childish pranks. So he says. He says he was drafted to play football, not carry pads.

Um… you get what you pay for Cowboys. So when you draft a guy that plummeted through the first round because of a reputation for being difficult… viola! You gain a difficult player who is already pissing off the veteran teammates at his position. Awesome. He’s T.O. Junior, only without a single actual accomplishment in the NFL.

I’m calling this little entitlement fit as a “tantrum at practice” and am awarding the requisite 25 points for it.

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Eli Manning Gives Away A Million – 55 Points

Commissioner — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 15:39:21 +0000

Eli Manning is a good guy, and he wants to help kids go to Old Miss who might otherwise not be able to go.

Either that or he’s got gobs of money and knows that giving some away will make him look good.

Probably the former. Anyway, he’s given $1 Million to his old college for a scholarship program, which is pretty nice of him. Nice to be able to talk about the good things like this for a change instead of an assault or an arrest. Though I could use a few more donut-break-in stories.

Good on you, Eli, using your fame and money for something good. 55 Points for you Eli and Giants owners.

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Bunch of New Infractions – Many Points

Commissioner — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 17:29:32 +0000

Bills Kicker Joe Klopfenstein has been placed on IR, ending his season. Poor guy didn’t even get to kick a preseason field goal! 60 Points.

Ravens cornerback Cary Williams has been suspended 2 games for a violation of the personal conduct policy. There is no indication at all as to what his violation was, but it happened while he was still on the Titans roster.

Shaun Rogers, of the Browns, spotted a drunk driver on the road. So he did what any of us would have done… he called the cops and followed the drunk until the police showed up to arrest him. The police said some very nice things about Rogers’ involvement and how they wouldn’t have been able to catch the guy without him. That’s a pretty awesome story, and it’s hard to even find a punchline to write… but I should at least casually toss in another reference to this same Shaun Rogers arrest at an airport for possession of a firearm. So… he may be helping to cut down on drunk driving, but he’s no friend to aviation enthusiasts. 55 points.

Congrats to you guys. By the way, all but one of these were brought to my attention by your competitors… so be aware that you can help your team’s chances by alerting me to infractions I may have missed.

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Dolphins’ Phillip Merling Charged With Assault – 75 Points

Commissioner — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 00:26:51 +0000

Phillip Merling is now charged with assaulting his pregnant girlfriend. If convicted… what a freaking scumbag.

75 points for the assault charge. I hope that woman gets free and clear of this guy regardless of the outcome. Ugh.

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Geez, Everyone In The NFL Has A Book These Days, Including Drew Brees – 40 Points

Commissioner — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:12:29 +0000

It is my sincere hope that every new offseason in the NFL moving forward will feature the release of a book by multiple players and coaches who had good-to-great seasons the previous year. Because that won’t remotely get old… ever.

Look… Drew’s new book may be the best thing ever put to paper. But you can’t tell me that Brees, Payton, and Rex Ryan’s books are all three absolutely necessary to the cultural landscape. Did Chris Johnson write a book about breaking the combined yards record? No, no he did not. Is the newest fad in the NFL to write a book about yourself after one good season? Shoot, Rex Ryan only has one season as a coach under his large belt.

In an age where the media seems finally ready to rip on diva behavior in athletes–I’m specifically thinking of Lebron’s self-aggrandizing hour-long special–I think we need at least one person to stand up and say “writing books after one season of decent work is probably just as selfish as Lebron’s Decision.” And I will be that person.

40 points for Drew Brees’ owners.

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Johnny Jolly Suspended By NFL Indefinitely – 80 Points

Commissioner — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 20:35:18 +0000

Apparently Packers defensive end Johnny Jolly wasn’t making enough money at football, and somehow got tangled up in a major drug operation wherein he allegedly was involved in the “buying, selling, funding, transporting and aiding in the buying, selling, funding and transportation of illegal narcotics including cocaine and marijuana from 2006 through May of 2008.”

Am I alone in thinking that’s a strangely dangerous world for a professional football player to get involved in? Was this part of some drug-kingpin-retirement-plan? How do you play for the Green Bay Packers and transport cocaine on the side? It’s kind of mind-blowing.

Regardless… the league isn’t waiting for the legal situation to unfold before making their move… and their move is about the strongest one they have in the arsenal: an indefinite suspension. He might be back next week (doubtful) and he might not be back until 2012 or something. That’s kind of the definition of “indefinite.”

That’s worth 80 points though, to those of you who picked him. I wonder… who’s transporting the cocaine and marijuana to the seedy underbelly of Green Bay, Wisconsin these days?

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Several Days Late On Awarding Points For This… Sorry

Commissioner — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:41:40 +0000

You guys are totally allowed to email and alert me to a news item that you think qualifies for points. Because I can’t catch them all. And some of them I see, but then I get distracted by a beautiful lady or a bag of chips and forget to award points.

So… thanks to Chris and Randy, both of whom reminded me that this event is probably point-worthy:

Mike Vick, skipping out on little football camp kids. I’ve made that a 60 point infraction, because it’s extra cruel. All those kids wanted to do was learn how to play football from someone that would rather kill dogs, but they couldn’t even do that. They had to learn it from some local YWCA volunteer after Vick stood them up. 60 points.

What’s that? He’s not allowed to leave the state? Then don’t agree to go to out-of-state football camps, you moron.

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Charles Woodson Escapes A House Fire, Earns You 55 Points

Commissioner — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 14:06:57 +0000

Packers great Charles Woodson was in Michigan this week with his family, in part to celebrate their (sizable) gift to the Women’s Hospital at the University of Michigan (classy guy, that Charles Woodson… no sarcasm). And around 4am, the house somehow caught fire.

Everyone made it out alive, thank goodness, but the multi-million-dollar home was destroyed. Yikes.

That’s 55 points. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like any of you had him on your team. Oops. Oh well.

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Three New Infractions Just Added

Commissioner — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 20:34:12 +0000

Hey guys. Just added a few more infraction events (scoring!) and wanted to tell you about them.

Pete Carroll just earned some points for releasing a book–good timing, Pete… next time, try releasing the book BEFORE the scandal comes out about your previous job. Worth 40 points. I’m sure it’s full of good insight on how to get your championships stripped.

Mike Williams of the Redskins will miss the entire year with a medical condition. Poor guy. That’s 60 points, though.

And Chad Ochocinco has declared this is the year the Bengals will win the Super Bowl–and that after that he’ll sign with the Miami Heat and win an NBA championship. Nice. Worth 25 points.

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