But in 2010 we’ve already seen an alarming number of NFL player arrests, suspensions, fines, and other general misbehavior.  Therefore, I decided to create the 2010 NFL All-Screw-Up Team, Preseason Edition.  It’s similar to John Madden’s All-Madden team only… you know… here they’re being honored for their propensity to make appallingly stupid mistakes, as opposed to their on-field talent.

Without further ado, here is this year’s best players by position—and by “best” I actually mean “best at getting arrested and crap”:

OFFENSE

Quarterbacks

If we actually had to take the field with this team, we’d be doing more than alright in one important category… quarterback.  This year we have huge number of QB’s getting in trouble.  I’ll rank them by my personal depth chart.

Starting QB: Big Ben Roethlisberger.  He may very well have two Super Bowls on his short resume, but this QB makes the list for his success in another area:  getting accused of rape.  For the second time in as many off-seasons, Big Ben has been accused of sexual assault.  There were no ultimate charges filed, but damage had already been done to his reputation and his level of respect from teammates… and probably his future ability to score chicks.

Backup QB: Vince Young.  Sure, maybe he quit on his team… on more than one occasion.  Maybe he did scare his family into thinking he was suicidal by driving off with a gun.  But Vince’s biggest brush with the law came this year, in 2010, when he was involved in a fight at a Texas strip club.  There’s even video!

Clipboard Holder: Michael Vick.  You would think that the single biggest screw-up in NFL history would have learned how to stay off this list, but then you would be wrong.  You’d actually be a colossal idiot.  Because Mike Vick don’t care.  He likes killing dogs, faking apologies, and throwing birthday parties for all his gun-owning buddies.  Sadly, alcohol and gun-owning buddies can be a lethal combination.  Someone was shot, and while police are saying it was not Vick doing the shooting, his reputation took another huge hit.

Practice Squad QB’s: Chris “Cheech” Simms and Jamarcus “Chasing the Purple Dragon” Russell. Neither has really ever had a run-in with the law like this before, and both serve as a powerful illustration of the dangers of mixing drugs and motor vehicles with your professional football career.

Wide Receiver

You have to have someone to throw to if you’re going to succeed at football—even “screw-up” football.  Thankfully, there are plenty of wide receivers making stupid headlines this off-season.

#1 WR: Chad Ochocinco.  Chad’s always good for some off-field extra curriculars, and this season is no different.  He’s starring in his own reality show on VH1, and has been working overtime in the “ridiculous Tweets” department.  If you don’t love Chad Ochocinco… then you just flat-out don’t like fun.

#2 WR: Steve Smith.  He’s arguably a better receiver than Ochocinco.  But he’s most definitely not a better liar.  When Smith broke his arm a few weeks ago playing flag football with friends—a big no-no according to his contract—he decided to lie about it and say he broke it at a youth football camp.  But little did he know how easy it would be for reporters to shoot wide gaping holes in that silly story.  Seriously, I told better lies when I was five years old.

Slot Receiver: Vincent Jackson.  This tall and talented receiver has made headlines this off-season with a rift between himself and the Chargers.  He doesn’t seem to want to play there… probably because playing for a perennial playoff contender is not appealing to him.  But the headlines went into overdrive when Jackson was suspended three games—what an odd number—for a conduct unbecoming (he’s had a couple DUI’s lately).

Passing Down Receiver: Golden Tate. He loves maple donuts so much that he couldn’t wait for the donut shop next to his apartment building in Seattle to open, so he just helped himself.  He hasn’t played a single NFL snap, but he’s already done something more memorable than most NFL players ever will.  That takes talent.  And a humongous appetite for “maple drank.”

Tight End: Chris Cooley.  Cooley is another guy, like Ochocinco, who seems to be a very good-natured, fun-loving dude.  He loves fun so much that when he’s not uploading pictures of his junk to the Internet, he’s squeezing out condiments from his fridge into his mouth and filming it.  Yup… just another day in the life of an NFL tight end.

Running Back

Whenever you don’t throw the ball… you run it.  So we’ve got to have a running back or two.  Thankfully, running backs like to shoot themselves in the foot as much as the next guy.

Starting RB: Quinton Ganther.  This former Titan, now Seahawk, was busted for a DUI a few days ago.  Guess he didn’t have the convenience of a donut store built right into his building, so he had to go driving to get that sweet maple drank.  Did you know that DUI’s account for more than 25% of all NFL player arrests?  Man, those dudes like to drink and drive.

Backup RB: Lendale White.  In the role he should be accustomed to by now, Lendale will be the back-up to Ganther.  Lendale makes the list because he managed to get cut from his team without having any idea why.  That’s a first.  Of course, he certainly knew why… he just didn’t want to tell us.  But we found out a couple weeks after he was cut when the league handed down a 4-game substance abuse suspension.  Doh!

Third String RB/Special Teams Guy: Chris Johnson.  Johnson, who many feel deserves a raise, has decided to force the issue and hold out this year.  So far.  Rumors are swirling that he’s negotiating with the Titans for a slight raise on a short-term deal to get him into camp.  Regardless of how many fans side with Johnson, there is no denying that holding out hurts one’s reputation.  There is a portion of the fan base that will forever assume he cares more about money than anything else.  Those people would be correct.

DEFENSE

We have to field a defense… but it’s not going to be pretty.  Very few defensive NFL players have screwed up this 2010 off-season.  Thankfully, Albert Haynesworth is wide enough to actually count as six people.

Defensive Line

Defensive Tackle: Hollis Brown.  He’s a defensive tackle, but he has no team.  He’s also been suspended four games for a substance violation.  That is the most inventive strategy I’ve ever heard of for getting a team to sign you.  Genuis!

Defensive Tackle: Albert Haynesworth.  Not since the movie Heat has someone attempted so brazen a robbery.  Albert took a 20+ Million check earlier this off-season from his employers, the Redskins, and has since created nothing but ill will among his teammates and fans by sitting out and demanding a trade.  Oh Albert… you are incorrigible!

Defensive End: Derrick Morgan. He is the Titans first round draft pick from the most recent draft, and he got arrested before training camp.  Not a good sign, dude.   Thankfully, his offenses were fairly benign compared to the rest of this squad, as he was only speeding and driving with a suspended license.

Linebacker

Linebacker: Gerald McRath.  Dang, what is it with all these freaking Titans screwing up this year?!  McRath has been suspended four games for a substance-policy violation.  He was taking PED’s, apparently.  Of course, he says it wasn’t a PED… but merely a harmless substance on the banned list.  Okay.  Sure thing.  I believe you, buddy.

COACH

Head Coach: Rex Ryan.  He’s releasing a book, which is worthy of inclusion on our list anyway.  But he’s also been talking more of his occasional smack this offseason as well.  Since no coach has punched out a team employee yet this year, Rex is the biggest screw-up we have so far.  He’ll have to do.

So there you go.  There is your 2010 NFL All-Screw-Up Team, Preseason Edition.  We’ll definitely be back near the middle and again at the end of the NFL season for an updated All-Screw-Up Team selection.  Keep your fingers crossed that your favorite screw-up manages to make the news for all the wrong reasons so you can see them rewarded with a spot on this list.

If you’d like to add a little spice to the fun of following the NFL’s many screw-ups… might I suggest you take 30 seconds and sign up for our free fantasy football alternative game, Fantasy UnSports–It’s fantasy football for off-the-field sh*t.  Sign up today!

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Anyone with a player on their roster at the time a point event is entered into the system by me, your Commissioner, will earn the points for that player.  I’m only human, and will sometimes not be able to post point events immediately as they happen.  Which means that careful players and waiver hawks will be able to spot a breaking news story about an NFL off-the-field incident, and then race to add that person to their roster before I post the infraction and in time to earn the points.

That means you may very well use up the 8 waiver moves (called “additions” in our software) rather quickly.

To help relieve some of that pressure, we’re offering a new referral program:  help promote Fantasy UnSports, and earn 2 extra waiver moves for your account.  Simple, right?  Here are the things you can do that will qualify you for this referral program:

• Post about Fantasy UnSports on Facebook
• Post about Fantasy UnSports on Twitter, Google Buzz, or Tumblr
• Post about Fantasy UnSports on your blog or personal website

Just do any of those things, and then send me a screenshot of your referral (or a link to it) to fantasyunsports@gmail.com.  And that’s it.  You’ll be granted 2 extra additions on your account.  Easy as pie.

I will also hear propositions from members who want to suggest their own referral activity and reward.  If you want to create a Wikipedia page about us, or if you know someone in the media you can refer us to… those kinds of things would be worth more than 2 waiver moves, and I’m prepared to pay out.  So get creative!

This is a limited time offer, because I will only be able to keep up with these for so long before it gets out of hand, so act quickly (I’ll update this post when the referral incentive ends).  Help me make this game even more fun for everyone by getting the word out!  Thanks for playing, and good luck!!

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So… thanks With Leather.  You rock a lot harder than you know.

If you’d like to play our free fantasy football alternative game, just click “Sign Up/In” over there to your right… takes about 30 seconds.  Let’s all join in the fun of assigning randomly-chosen point values to the stupid things NFL players do!

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If you’re already signed up, you’ll get a couple extra waiver moves added to your account as a thank you for taking the quiz.  If you’re not already signed up, you can do so in about 30 seconds right here.

Okay, on to the quiz… click here to begin.

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First--we’re now fully automated.  While news articles about point events will continue to be published here on the blog, we have automated the game.  Players can now sign up, draft their roster, and make waiver moves… all on their own and without me needing to chart everything on a stupid spreadsheet.  That means we have tons more room this year for more players.  Scoring is updated in near-real-time, and members can see their ranking every time they log in.  We’ve also added the leaderboard, our blog RSS Feed, and a few sports feeds below the member section for your convenience.

Oh, and it’s all still completely free.  Sweet!  We start earning points July 1st, so sign up now!

Now… you need to do two things:

1. Sign up immediately.  There is a rather large “Sign Up” icon to your right… and if you click it, you can sign up for Fantasy UnSports -- Season 2

2. Help spread the word.  Tell your friends.  Become our Facebook friend.  Follow us on Twitter and re-tweet our mundane tweets!  The more people we can get into this game, the cooler the prizes can be.  I’m hoping to award, at a minimum, a 42-inch HD television.  But if we can get a lot more players, that prize package will continue going up.

We’ve had plenty of evidence this off season that NFL players are as naughty as ever.  Seahawks rookie Golden Tate just made the news for a late-night drunken donut theft.  Several players are hold-outs.  Oh, and who could forget our dear friend Big Ben Roethlisberger’s memorable first-half of 2010… in fact, let’s leave you with a little video of what was probably Ben’s last night of partying for a while, courtesy of the Associated Press:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV31H_F8QgU

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He joins a team already notorious for off-the-field issues and also one of the highest scoring teams in Fantasy UnSports season 1 (largely thanks to the antics of one Chad Ochocinco).

Just when I started to gripe about how all the great off-the-field crap keeps happening during our Fantasy UnSports offseason, we get a nice little silver lining here… something to look forward to for us all–virtually guaranteed points.  That’s something we can all get excited about.

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Actually, this is built using a new Google toy they released today that allows you to customize your own search-based commercial.  Head on over here if you want to give it a try–oh, and please forward this on to your friends who don’t know about Fantasy UnSports… we’re starting up Season 2 in just a few weeks!!

Even the cheerleaders are getting excited:

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Outstanding! It’s not like we’ve created anything as complicated as Facebook or anything… our functionality will be pretty simple.  But it’s automated!!  No more emailing me to change a roster spot out!  No more waiting on me to upload a new spreadsheet every Monday–scores will compile in real time as they are added!

When we’re ready to launch, which should be in the next few weeks, I’ll send another mass email out to everyone.  I’m hoping to at least double last year’s participant total, so I’ll need your help to spread the news.

It’s a shame, really, that we haven’t had the game running over the last few weeks of NFL tomfoolery (Roethlisberger, Porter, Holmes, etc.).  But… there will be plenty more antics to come when our second season starts… which should be soon. Stay tuned!

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Read ‘em and weep, boys.  Here’s your Fantasy UnSports champion… A.K.A. MartianManhunter… wearing his prize of a brand new NFL jersey!

He looks pretty pumped… as he should be.

Thanks again to everyone for playing.  Judging my the results to my survey, most of you want me to get Season 2 started much sooner than our first season, so I’m working on plans for that right now.

Congrats again MartianManhunter.  You earned it.  Now wear your prize with pride.

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Congrats to the Saints.  Even though I was rooting for the other team, it’s hard to be upset at a Saints victory.  They are quite the deserving champions.

And now, without further ado, your 2010 Fantasy UnSports Champion is:

MartianManhunter!

Martian Manhunter, with the too-perfect-sounding final score of 3000 points!!  Congratulations MartianManhunter, you are the winner.  You will receive an official replica jersey of the team and player of your choice from the NFL shop online!  Please email me within the next seven days to discuss the arrangements for your prize:  fantasyunsports@gmail.com.

You can download the final full leaderboard on the right sidebar or by clicking here.  Now for some other awards and stats.

Best Team Names:

There were a lot of team names in Fantasy UnSports that made me laugh a lot.  Here are the best of the best:

• McNair’s Tragic Passing Efficiency
• I Beg To Dilfer
• Leonard Little’s Defensive Driving Course
• I Slept With Steve Phillips
• Titans of Infidelity

League MVP – Highest Scoring NFL Player In Fantasy UnSports:

Chad Ochocinco.  Was there any doubt?  All year long, Ocho kept us entertained with his singular wit and charm, from starting his own news network to creating his own iPhone app, from sending opposing players gift packs to pretend-bribing officials… Chad was “on” all season.  He earned a total of 655 for his owners, which is a huge amount.  I have a sneaking suspicion that he will be owned by about 95% of teams in next year’s game.  Chad, should you ever read this… thank you for being you… you are everything that makes Fantasy UnSports so much fun.

Highest Scoring Team Roster in Fantasy UnSports:

The Tennessee Titans with 1215 points.  Wow.  The Bengals were a close second with 1080 points–mostly due to Ochocinco–but the Titans pulled out the upset.  The AFC teams crushed the NFC teams in this particular race.

Stats:

We had 324 PQEs this season; that’s more than 2 per day.

The single highest-scoring PQE of the year was Chad Ochocinco’s iPhone App, which earned his owners 90 Points.

We had 192 players in our game–actually it was 202, but about 10 registrations were incomplete or were duplicates.  192 is a pretty good number.  I am so glad that so many of you were interested in our little game.  I’m hoping we can maybe double that number for next year.

Most Waiver Moves:  ATomOfAllTrades.  This player tried furiously to catch up at the end of the season, and only missed by 180 points.  A valiant effort, sir.  My helmet goes off to you.

Some Thoughts On Next Year:

I am definitely going to run this game again.  In fact, the next season will probably start much sooner than you think.  Instead of waiting for the start of the regular season, we’ll be starting far earlier–though I’m still deciding on when exactly we’ll kick things off.

We’re going to do away with the “double-dipping” aspect of the scoring–where players who have Ochocinco AND the Bengals roster on their team earn double the points for each of Chad’s PQEs.  We’ll have some other tweaks and changes to the scoring as well.

If you’re interested in playing again, and want to have some input on what the next version of Fantasy UnSports will look like… please fill out a brief survey here, or simply subscribe to our feed to stay in the loop.

Thanks:

Thanks to everyone who played this game.  It was a blast.  If you got 10% of the enjoyment out of Fantasy UnSports that I did, then everyone’s a winner.  Thanks to everyone who emailed me PQE and league suggestions.  Thanks to Mike H., who made the scoring system so much more manageable for me with his Excel wizardry.  Thanks to all the idiots in the NFL who made stupid decisions this year–you made the whole thing possible!  We will be launching the sophomore season of Fantasy UnSports in the coming months–sign up here to stay in the loop on that stuff–and hope to have many of you join us again.  Thanks for making this worthwhile!

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