Points

We’ll be updating this list over the coming weeks leading up to the NFL season.  The following apply to coaches and players.  For now, here’s the initial list of things an NFL player might do that could earn you points:

Legal/Criminal:

Arrest/charged/tried/sentenced for any of the following:

• Drug Possession – 50
• Drug Charges (With Intent To Sell) – 80
• Moving violation – 35
• Robbery/larceny/theft/embezzling/ponzi scheme – 55
• DUI – 65
• Vehicle charge (manslaughter, wreckless endangerment, homicide, etc.) – 70
• Manslaughter – 80
• Murder – 160
• Accomplice to murder, robbery, rape, assault, or manslaughter – 65
• Dogfighting – 100
• Failure to appear in court – 20
• Assault – 75
• Domestic violence or abuse – 40
• Restraining order – 45
• Sexual harassment – 85
• Conspiracy – 60
• Jaywalking – 40
• Public intoxication – 55
• Solicitation of prostitution – 60
• Other violent crimes – 85
• Misdemeanor Not On List – 40
• Felony Not On List – 50
• Life Sentence – 300
• Someone attacked in athlete’s home when athlete is present – 45
• Someone attacked in athlete’s home when athlete is not present – 35
• Someone killed in athlete’s home when athlete is present – 65
• Someone killed in athlete’s home when athlete is not present – 50
• Firing a gun illegally – 60
• Robbed/mugged/assaulted – 85
• Jury duty – 30
• Athlete defendant or plaintiff in civil suit – 60
• Team sued by player, former player, coach, former coach, or cheerleader – 60
• Legally changes name – 45
• Athlete receives a sentence far lighter than their crime deserves, media outcry -25
• Athlete gets probation – 25

Press Conference:

• Cuss/swear/say anything bleep-worthy – 35
• Cry – 40
• Criticize teammates – 45
• Criticize coach/organization/owner – 45
• Criticize refs/nfl/commissioner/rules – 35
• Interrupts another’s post game press conference for a “man hug” – 35

Injury

• Non football related – 30
• Non sports related – 40
• Injured & out for season – 60
• Injury complicated by infection, probably staph – 25

Misc. Media

• Embarrassing photo of athlete surfaces – 45
• Embarrassing photo of athlete surfaces including illegal activity – 45
• Embarrassing photo of athlete surfaces including females not married to athlete (only if athlete is married) – 45
• Embarrassing photo of athlete surfaces containing nudity – 50
• Public apology from athlete for previous statement, action, or behavior – 25
• Athlete appears live on TV drunk or high – 60
• Athlete claims to have had a premonition about game-winning play – 25
• Athlete pays huge bail himself for a hardened criminal – 45
• Athlete clears himself to play on the basis of recent sexual performance – 50
• Owner makes obscene gesture at a game – 55
• Player or coach makes obscene gesture caught on film – 45
• Team prematurely publishes website page congratulating team on victory not yet achieved – 45
• Athlete appears live on TV & hits on female reporter – 70
• Athlete appears in national ad without clothes on – 70
• Athlete Twitters during a game – 50
• Athlete starts his own social news network for breaking stories – 85
• Athlete gets fined or punished for use of Twitter, Facebook, or other social media – 40
• Photographed having a meal with Snoop Dogg, Method Man, or Busta Rhymes – 45
• Player has an iPhone App developed about them – 90
• Player wins “dirtiest player” award, as voted on by peers – 75
• Shoves camera man or microphone out of his way – 35

NFL-ish

• Hold out – 20
• Hold out past start of regular season – 30
• Athlete retires less than a week after signing – 45 points
• Sideline tantrum during game – 30
• Player traded – 35
• Team fires coach, OR offensive or defensive coordinator – 30
• Tantrum/fight during practice – 25
• Player cusses out coach in public place – 40
• Player skips practice – 25
• Benched for team disciplinary reasons – 25
• Player retires during season – 55
• Player or coach fined by league or team – 30
• Player or coach fined by league or team more than $100,000
• Suspension from league for four games or less – 45
• Suspension from league for more than four games – 60
• Ejected from game – 50
• Banned from league for life – 300
• Summoned to commissioner’s office for behavior issue- 25
• Stomps on opponent’s logo – 30
• Taunts, mocks, or calls out opposing team’s player or coach – 30
• Athlete sent home by team for misbehavior – 45
• Excessive or Outrageous Touchdown Celebration – 30
• Mocks or rips opponent’s fans – 35
• Mocks or rips own team’s fans – 40
• Guaranteeing a victory – 25
• Player self-inflicts a wound that bleeds profusely during a game – 25
• Makes national news for leaving stadium after being declared inactive – 30
• Publicly asks for the ball more or more playing time – 25
• Accused of tampering – 25
• Hitting/assaulting a fan – 45
• Accidentally kills another player during play or practice – 200
• Player Unretires during season- 50
• Player hits Dallas scoreboard with punt, kick, or pass during game – 25
• Breaks “risky behavior” clause in contract by skydiving, driving motorcycle without helmet, bungee jumping, or any other dangerous act – 75

Relationships

• Player’s significant other does anything on this entire list – 45
• Divorce – 35
• New baby (with athlete’s significant other) or pregnancy – 20
• New baby (with athlete’s mistress/non-wife or girlfriend) or pregnancy – 30
• Separation/Break-Up – 15
• Extramarital affair – 45
• Gets married – 35
• Gets married to a supermodel – 45
• Sex tape – 95
• Accidentally outed as homosexual by self or other – 300
• Purposefully outs self as homosexual – 375
• Mentions feeding/caring-for family in any public discussion about their pay – 30
• Adopts a child – 45
• Home burned down by significant other – 80
• Blames poor play on family/family matters – 20

Entertainment

• Appears in a major motion picture (film released during NFL season) – 40
• Appears as a guest on a national TV show – 30
• Appears in a National TV commercial for more than one brand – 15
• Appears on SNL – 75
• Criticizes former player who is now an analyst – 30
• Appears on Cribs – 40
• Records/releases and album – 50
• Stars in reality/documentary series about himself – 80

Good Guy Acts

• Athlete donates more than $1Million to charity in lump sum- 55
• Athlete donates more than $10 Million to charity in lump sum- 100
• Athlete buys remaining tickets to game to avoid blackout – 80
• Athlete has hospital or hospital wing named for him – 125
• Literally saves a life (rescue drowning person, pull someone from burning wreck, etc.) – 100
• Makes national news for good deed other than those already on this list – 40
• Donates a kidney or other organ to another person – 110
• Stand in for slain mentor at Father-Son breakfast – 40
• Donates brain (after death) to science – 45
• Leaves a tip to waiter or waitress over $5000 – 35

Misc.

• Has lawn vandalized – 45
• Coach dons jersey of rival team’s star player in public – 55
• Player claims that wildlife on the field during a game may be reincarnated former teammate – 80
• Races a horse or other animal – 115
• Signs modeling contract with genuine modeling agency – 45
• Sends deodorant, antacid, or other health and beauty products to upcoming opponent – 70
• Cuts self at home on any non-cutting surface such as carpet, rubber, or a loaf of bread – 45
• Goes #2 in a college dorm room closet – 285
• Pro Bowl athletes greet teammates at hotel dressed as bellhops – 30
• Athlete has police report filed against him for stealing small amount of cash from another individual – 30
• Athlete writes his own new rule for NFL rulebook and releases it to the public – 45
• Leads police on high speed chase (as driver) – 175
• Does voice work for TV commercial with puppet or claymation version of self – 140
• Busted with a urination device – 190
• During live interview, hits on reporter or tells reporter, “I want to kiss you” – 130
• Poses shirtless in ad campaign – 60
• Rips jersey in two with bare hands during game – 75
• Filmed naked without his consent or knowledge – 80
• Dedicates any play, win, day, or act to Jesus – 25
• Athlete goes to rehab, or announces intention of going to rehab – 35
• Athlete leads team in post-win locker room rendition of an original song performed in an American Idol audition – 50
• Announces that the name he’s been playing under for years is not his real name – 35
• Dedicates any play, win, day, or act to Xenu – 65
• Promises TD in honor of sick child and delivers on that promise – 65
• Throws a pass with such force that player’s arm literally rips off and flies downfield – 1025
• Photographed in drag – 45
• Makes it rain in a public setting – 45
• Deputized by an actual police force – 70
• Dates Ellen Barkin, Elizabeth Taylor, or Tara Reid – 220
• Loses limb in farming accident – 400
• Caught having sex or watching pornography in public – 175
• Sends coach flowers, for any reason – 35
• Compares self to movie character during interview or press conference – 35
• Shows his own artwork at a gallery – 55
• Wears rainbow wig or sombrero on sideline during game – 80

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